Rejection

"Search me, O God, and know my heart.
Try me, and know my anxieties;" Psalm 139:23

This morning I woke up with the overwhelming feeling of being rejected. I woke up feeling as though I was 16 years old again, and just longing to be loved and taken care of, and having no one to do so.

I remember being 16----(and it was probably every year up until then, but for now I'll just say 16)---and needing to know that I was ok--that I was loved, and couldn't find it. My dad was involved in his affair, my mom was consumed with her grief, my friends weren't the kind of kids who pick up on the fact that their friend is hurting, and I just overall felt that there was no one who cared about me.

So I "self-nurtured". I put up the big front that everything was ok---and found love the only way I knew how--through achievement, acceptance by others, and denial. I excelled in school, partied hard, and told myself over and that "I'm fine".

But I wasn't. It made it hard to be "real" and "reach out" to others, because of the fear they'd find out how messed up and lonely and insecure I really was. That they'd see how much I needed nurturing--attention, affection, a sense of security, protection, belonging.

I gave my life to Christ that year, and immediately found the peace and love I longed for, but I still used the same "tools" that I had been using. I still relied on my old self nurturing tools to make it through my feelings of loneliness and insecurity.

I've since learned to turn to the Lord to meet my needs for love, acceptance, hope, security---and He has brought people into my life to be Him physically here on earth. But I tell you, so many times the fear of rejection rears its ugly head. I still fear needing anyone---of being vulnerable, of reaching out to someone and being rejected. I need to give that fear over to the Lord and let Him help me deal with those fears. I need to remember His truths and rest in them.